"Our worst fears lie in anticipation"

Nearly two years ago I was diagnosed with Renal Insufficiency, Kidney Failure.
As a 27 year old, I was not exactly sure how to process my diagnosis.
I was a nervous wreck, wondering what was going to happen next? I did not want to be sick or weak.
I was scared- My fears lied in anticipation of what now?
For those who don't know how important Kidneys are, take it from me- You need them healthy-!
When I spoke to my urologist, he stated that running would not be in my future. The impact of running was causing me further illness.
From IV fluids to prevent dehydration to antibiotics that would decrease the amount of blood being filtered into my urine.. I have been through alot.
All treatment options to assist my recovery- but no physical activity!
As a runner, that was the worst news. I was not myself without running!

So once again, I got into the pool and embraced the resistance training in the water. After each cycle of antibiotics, I would begin to - run/walk, rebuilding all the muscle I had lost while being ill. I learned the importance of hydration, electrolytes, the necessity of salt you need to replace even without activity- and even more so when you perform activity.
I had my share of ups and downs- but it was something I had to accept. Similar to a road block, you just have to find a different route to get there..
(I'm still on my way to where I need to go)...
I found a significant amount of solitude within the silence of trail running.
Challenging but extremely satisfying. During my time on the trails, I tried to make sense of it all.
-"Why am I sick?
Why cant I do the things other people can do?"
Frustrated with the circumstances with my health, I feared the "push".
-"Can my body handle a 14 mile run today? 
I do not feel well today, maybe I should just rest today... 
I do not want to be in the hospital again... I am sick of being sick!"
Years later, I am still trying to figure out what kind of day I am going to have.
Good or bad, I am still here- battling like hell- Throughout illness and injury I am on a journey that #anythingispossible - I will be an Ironman.

Inspire or Inspiration?

Inspire or Inspiration? Both are misused words; Often with empty meaning.

Within the myriad mediums of art, you find a profound appreciation of what truly makes an artist inspired- whether it would be the movement of keys upon a piano, the brush strokes upon canvas, the sharp eye of a photographer- beauty is found in the most unexpected places.

From artist to athlete, I find the beauty of perserverance, determination, and sacrifice. 

A child visits a museum for the first time, viewing works of art from world famous artist throughout history.. Is the child inspired by the artwork or does the child have appreciation for artist? 

Or the fact that this art is hanging in a museum?

Even if the child pursues art classes, What made them progress within art? Inspiration? Not necessarily. 

Throughout my journey as an athlete, I find that the word "Inspire and Inspiration"

are commonly overused- often without meaning.

Just because your friend runs a marathon, and you jump in with both feet- 

Did he or she inspire you to do it? Were you there for their early morning training runs, late night treadmill sessions, the journey of the struggle and self doubt? Not likely unless you were training with them.

For each of us is different, We go through personal battles daily. 

Everyone goes through moments of struggle.

Do I have enough time to train?

Have a done my research on nutrition?

Battled and overcome injury?

Do my family members support my active lifestyle?

I am not following my training schedule..

I don't feel like training today...

But when you say - "You inspire me." - It is a bold statement, and I hear it all the time. 

All the time, it is used without meaning.

Did I inspire you to start running, biking or swimming? 

Or did I MOTIVATE you?

Instilling an idea or desire to achieve something new.. set out in something you were not capable of starting or finishing?

Inspire- 

1. to fill with an animation, quickening or exalting influence.

2. to fill or affect with a specified feeling.

3. to influence, move or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration.

4. to draw forth or bring out

5. to spread by indirect means or through the agency of another.

I remember the first time I ran a road race, it was NOT inspiration that drove me to run- It was the peer pressure of my friends at work. Needless to say, I had no idea how difficult it would be to run 6.2 miles, non-stop. 

People do this for fun? 

It took me an 1:06 to run my first 10k. I was only 15 years old and it was miserable.

I remember seeing a man at the finish line wearing a medal around his neck, I wanted one.. It was shiny and only a few people had medals. 

Then I saw an older man near the finish line, probably around 65 years old. He was speaking to a woman as he got Powerade and a bagel. He stated he finish in 48 minutes, and he was disappointed in his time.

All I could think was, WOW! That old guy is fast- or I am really slow!

But I was not yet inspired to train, and run faster- I was never a long distance runner. 

I was a basketball player throughout my middle school and high school years- running was the not fun part of the sport. 

I was fast up and down the court for 12-14 minutes then I got to sit down. 

I practiced ball handling skills religiously- I was an ace on the 3-point line- but running was torture.

To stay in shape for Basketball, I would play soccer in the summer, and I hated the conditioning for soccer, it was all running- eww!

It wasn't until 2011 that I began running for fun, but not yet inspired.

I began to join group runs in my community and register for small local races, but never did I think I would be fast or successful. In July of 2011, I ran a 5k road Race, finishing in 23:04. I was First in my Age group to finish, and I won a shiny medal. I was estatic, but not yet inspired.

I knew if I kept running, I would need new shoes as I was racking up alot of weekly mileage.

Got fitted at a fancy running store and bought a 120$ pair of Mizuno Waves.

I was pounding the pavement- everyday - sometimes twice a day.. Then I got injured. Stress fracture in my left foot. 

I began to research why I was injured, over training... overuse? I am not fast and strong enough, how could I get injured, what am I doing wrong...?

While recovering from my foot injury, I began to swim at the gym to maintain muscle memory in my legs. I would swim early to avoid the "Aqua-fit classes" and to also avoid all the crazy training Ironman using up all the lanes. I remember thinking, "Get out of their way, they are hardcore."

I only wanted to run, it's all I cared about. Through the injury I was impatient and often annoyed that my foot was not healing. So I swam, then I began going to spin class as I still was unable to put impact on my foot.

Swimming and Spinning, but I was unsatisfied with those activities. I wanted to be outside running!

People would ask me, are you training for a Triathlon?

"No, why would I want to do that?"

- "You swim and cycle silly!"

"Triathlon's are not for me, those are for superheros- I am just a runner."

I was not yet inspired, Someone had just given me a suggestion, or advice. 

The first time I heard the word Ultra Marathon, I was intrigued > what's that?

I began to do more research, about these Ultra Marathons- and these strange creatures who torture themselves for 27-100 miles. Why would anyone want to do that to themselves..

People really run 100 miles? Is that even possible?

I read all I could about Karl Metzler, Dean Karnazes, Killian Jornet, Max King, Anton Krupicka, and Rich Roll. These men were doing incredible things, accomplishing the impossible.

During the course of the next months, I was running as much as I could, racing and pushing as much as possible. Completing distances of 13.1 to 26.2. The half and full distance marathons had changed me, but I still was not satisfied, I thirsted for more.

 I knew I could complete the courses faster, but I was not dedicated enough to properly train for a faster course time. 

It wasn't until 2012 when I had seen my first Ultra Marathon, The UTMB, Ultra Trail Mont Blanc. That had changed me forever, I was in awe of these athletes. They fought through the depths of the Swiss Alps on a rugged 100 mile adventure that takes the average person 35-40 hours to complete. To watch them set off then nearly days later- cross the finish line. Witnessing the emotion of the athletes as saw their children waiting and cheering for them, and they scooped up their children then with the last bit of strength; carried them across the finish line. Feeling the overwhelming sense of pride they had as they waved their countries flag through the small city of Chamonix, France was one of the most memorable experiences of my life... I did not even run the race, but I was there to see this tremendous event - from start to finish. It was a life changing experience for me.

I was inspired to accomplish something epic, something that was larger than myself.

As I have said before, I do not think people are truly inspired- Most use the word "Inspired" as an empty word, without feeling the overwhelming thunderbolt that does through their entire body.

The mind wanders like flipping pages in a book- wandering hopelessly to find a way to conquer the journey to that end that is your dream.